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You make me grateful

My precious daughters,

More often times than not, I dream of you. Before my alarm clock goes off, I see you running and laughing; I see you at school; I watch you outgrowing these random jackets I bought for you from Denmark. Images of you are bitter sweet ... I can't easily put words on the emotions I am consumed by when I wake up... there's undeniable joy... but that joy is soaking in longing, pain and devastation.

No matter how much it is hurting me that you've been torn away from me, I'm always infinitely more grateful. I'm grateful to have incredible and happy memories with you. For the first 13 years of your life, H, and for the first 7 years of yours, A, I got to collect and make the happiest memories of my life.

The absolute worst would be to never even have spent time with you, caring for you, listening to you find your voices, showing you new things and new places, creating inside jokes like Deagol and Smeagol. I can't imagine what life would be like if you never existed and I don't want to.

Even though your mom is the one who blocked me, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles and all my friends you know, I am and will eternally be grateful to her for bringing you both into our family. You both are the most important thing to me. I love you more than you know.



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